Wednesday 11/07/2012 by Icculus

DELINQUENCY QUIZ FOR PHISH FANS (OR OTHERS)

Phish fans frequently get generalized-about, ignorantly, by the media. Are we a bunch of delinquents? Take this basic 15-question quiz to see if the media is right about YOU.

If appropriate, select multiple answers, because you get points for each answer choice other than (A).

If you cannot truthfully answer any of a question's answer choices, because you can't recall or otherwise, you get ZERO points for that question.

Please COMMENT with your (honest) scores so that we can demonstrate convincingly to all readers that at least online Phish fans are law-abiding, conscientious, and courteous citizens, who genuinely care about the public welfare.

A = zero points.
B = one (1) point.
C = two (2) points.
D = three (3) points.
E = four (4) points.

(Maximum of ten (10) points per question.)


Did you ever smoke?

A. No.
B. Yes, cigarettes.
C. Yes, weed.
D. Yes, bath salts.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever beg or pray to G_d (or Allah or IT or Icculus) to get you out of trouble just this once?

A. No.
B. Yes, more than once.
C. Yes, while in police custody.
D. Yes, while in jail/prison.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever host a touring rock band in your home?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I received a lesson on [instrument(s), including vacuum, washboard, and/or bag-vac].
D. Yes, and my family lost our home as a result.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever vomit on a law enforcement officer, an attorney, and/or a Judge? (Not including yourself if you are a cop, attorney or Judge.)

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least twice.
D. Yes, and I got extra time in jail/prison for it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever detonate a series of explosive devices?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I permanently disfigured myself.
D. Yes, and I permanently disfigured two or more people.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever steal money from your parents in order to buy illegal drugs?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least $500.
D. Yes, and they found out about it and had me arrested.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever get so drunk you literally went blind?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I was driving at the time.
D. Yes, and I regained consciousness in a hospital, handcuffed to the bed.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever have sex on your parents' bed?

A. No.
B. Yes, more than once.
C. Yes, and I still live at home.
D. Yes, and I have been caught doing so by one or both of my parents.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever sell drugs?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, to an undercover cop.
D. Yes, and I went to jail/prison for it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever set fire to, and/or steal, a car?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and (at least) once it was a police car.
D. Yes, and I was so drunk I didn't realize there were people inside it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever run from the police?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least three times.
D. Yes, and I spent extra time in jail/prison because of it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever have sex in a school and/or a house of worship?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, with a teacher and/or priest.
D. Yes, and I was "acting" in a porn film.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever get high in a police station?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I still can't recall why I was there in the first place.
D. Yes, and I was high for more than 24 hours.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever commit a crime while in handcuffs for (allegedly) having committed another crime?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, more than once.
D. Yes, and I was high.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Are you high now?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, on DMT.
D. Yes, on bath salts.
E. Yes, and I have just been shot.


If your score is ...

0 - 10 points: You are not and have never been a delinquent. You're also probably a good person. Be proud of yourself.

11 - 20 points: You're a fairly normal fan of rock music, despite modest delinquency, and intermittent douchebaggery. Be proud of yourself.

21-30 points: You are or were a delinquent. But since you cared (or were bored) enough to take this quiz, you can't be all that bad. Be proud of yourself.

31+ points: You are in prison, on parole, an ex-con, and/or an extremely fortunate SOB who should count your blessings every day. That said, be proud of yourself, since at least you are more or less literate, and have sufficient mastery of your faculties to take a quiz that requires basic addition skills as a component. But double-check your math all the same, and certainly before you COMMENT and be accused of lying about your obscene score.

If you liked this blog post, one way you could "like" it is to make a donation to The Mockingbird Foundation, the sponsor of Phish.net. Support music education for children, and you just might change the world.


Comments

, comment by bs915
bs915 Dammit, I'm a fairly normal fan of rock music.
, comment by becker_ross
becker_ross Wow. I only got a seven.
, comment by bolboy
bolboy 5 points! i am "not and have never been a delinquent"
, comment by standarsh
standarsh Scored a 7 but about 5 of the points came from over 10 years ago.
, comment by markhood
markhood Seven as well. Who hasn't run from the cops?
, comment by Ednaz
Ednaz 7
, comment by ZapRowsdower
ZapRowsdower 7 unless a preschool doesn't count as "school" for the sex question.
, comment by n00b100
n00b100 I scored a 2 and am now openly questioning what I've been doing with my life.
, comment by johnnyd
johnnyd 7, and thats with a liberal interpretation on one of the answers.
I'm a helluva a guy.

Other than the first question, I think any answers of C, D, or E require a story.
, comment by paulj
paulj Please define "House of Worship"...and "School" while you're at it.
, comment by GhostlikeSwayze
GhostlikeSwayze 5
surprising score on the last question, good thing i checked .net before i got back from class
, comment by meetmeatdebar
meetmeatdebar I'm a fairly normAl fan LOL 12 points
, comment by muggleballs
muggleballs I got a 2. Trying to be proud of myself for probably being a good person/not being a delinquent & not totally embarrassed for being a nerd.
, comment by mccordo
mccordo I'm a solid 5. Maybe could have been pushed to a 6, but 5 is the number I'm sticking with.
, comment by mfhgreyboy
mfhgreyboy 11, my favorite number!
, comment by lizard
lizard 9
, comment by flatbottomfrank
flatbottomfrank 17 I got a public intox arrest once when I was on acid. I passed all their tests but they knew something wasn't right. Well I had more acid in my pockets, so being that I was cooperating and all they put the handcuffs on the front of my body. I took the acid out of my pocket and ate it while handcuffed. So I was high in jail, for over 24 hours, broke laws while handcuffed, and I started a fire in my cell by stuffing styrofoam cup over lightbulb. Other than that I think Im an alright guy.
, comment by conradjohansen
conradjohansen 4
, comment by rackham
rackham 21... shame.
, comment by gratefulkeith
gratefulkeith Wow im only a 6. I'm so dissilusioned with myself.
, comment by rackham
rackham I think I need to re-calculate these points... too high to do math properly this morning.
, comment by IamHIGHdrogen
IamHIGHdrogen 6/7 - im a harmless rock Phan.
, comment by SconyMack
SconyMack 18.
, comment by perch
perch 3...guess I'm a straightedge
, comment by Dressed_In_Gray
Dressed_In_Gray Scored a 4. Good person. YAY!
, comment by pauly
pauly 4
, comment by Mr_Bathtub_Gin
Mr_Bathtub_Gin I scored a six, and I'm one of the oldest Phish fans around, at least age-wise, also, too.
, comment by NickSalv
NickSalv 8 ... Maybe could've pushed to a 10 if I could remember every little thing over the past ten years, but I'm still doing alright regardless. Just trying to have fun and enjoy some great music! I'm quite surprised actually, but proud I'm not doing any harm to myself or others.

Great survey. And hilarious, choice E is the funniest response to almost any question you could have thrown in there
, comment by mattsox94
mattsox94 6. Guess I'm not the delinquent society thinks I am.
, comment by Punchyouinthejejunum
Punchyouinthejejunum 6. Guess I'm a square
, comment by HarborSeal
HarborSeal I got zero. Am I still allowed to attend Phish shows?
, comment by Golgi_Groove
Golgi_Groove 5
, comment by Harryshappyplace
Harryshappyplace 6
, comment by YorkvilleBeerLover
YorkvilleBeerLover 11 - I'm normal and sometimes a douche - pretty much nail on the head
, comment by molefromtheministry
molefromtheministry zero points. I'm probably the squarest square on here.
, comment by Fluffyfluffyhead
Fluffyfluffyhead 8^)
, comment by OlFactoryHughes
OlFactoryHughes Zero. I swear.
, comment by dkast85
dkast85 5
, comment by cMags13
cMags13 8
, comment by dr_strangelove
dr_strangelove 5
, comment by Superballin
Superballin 14
, comment by BassPlayer
BassPlayer 6
, comment by PhishDicks
PhishDicks 5
, comment by skud13
skud13 5 if a parking lot doesn't count as inside a house of worship. 6 if it does.
, comment by Icculus
Icculus @HarborSeal said:
I got zero. Am I still allowed to attend Phish shows?
Yes, as the usher who asks aisle-dwellers to return to their seats. Seriously, though, your zero score qualifies you to become the first Phish fan President some day. However, your username qualifies you to be morbidly obese, smell like rotting fish, and shit on a dock all day.
, comment by ltbuilder7
ltbuilder7 9 Thanks .net for confirming that I was never a delinquent. Those Montana State troopers would probably disagree.
, comment by TheDeputy
TheDeputy 6
, comment by jtt122
jtt122 only an 8. not to bad for a phishhead
, comment by jamrad
jamrad 6
, comment by needsmorechalk
needsmorechalk 5
, comment by the_Crested_Hogchoker
the_Crested_Hogchoker ...went blind drunk driving, July 5th 2007, Myrtle Beach, SC. A guy came up to me in a Friendly's restaurant and said "son, I realize you're young and having fun, and that's a good thing, but I've got half my eight year old's class at that table over there and not only have I've heard more F~words in the last half hour than I've heard in my entire life, but its also the loudest profanity I've ever heard come out of a human being, do you think you could hold off until we get out of here?" I ended blacking out on the beach and waking up to the tide touching my toes.
, comment by weekapaug19
weekapaug19 4
, comment by TomSawyer
TomSawyer 12! That's not too bad...
, comment by RobesPierre
RobesPierre 12. I'm a bad ass. Or just a fairly normal fan of rock music.
, comment by ThousandDollarQuestion
ThousandDollarQuestion 4
, comment by Vaudvillain
Vaudvillain 5! I am quite proud of myself today. I now know that I am contributing to society and not burdening it.
, comment by Vaudvillain
Vaudvillain @the_Crested_Hogchoker said:
...went blind drunk driving, July 5th 2007, Myrtle Beach, SC. A guy came up to me in a Friendly's restaurant and said "son, I realize you're young and having fun, and that's a good thing, but I've got half my eight year old's class at that table over there and not only have I've heard more F~words in the last half hour than I've heard in my entire life, but its also the loudest profanity I've ever heard come out of a human being, do you think you could hold off until we get out of here?" I ended blacking out on the beach and waking up to the tide touching my toes.
I live in and am from Myrtle Beach. Sounds like you had an everyday experience in Dirty Myrtle. I have had similiar experiences my whole life here. Come back and visit!
, comment by fanman900
fanman900 8!
, comment by steamstash
steamstash 8=)
, comment by vtspeedy
vtspeedy 7, if school includes college. Because who didn't get laid in college? 6 otherwise. Just wasn't hip enough to have sex in my elementary school classroom.
, comment by dogman
dogman 1...lol
, comment by Super_Sash
Super_Sash FOR THE WIN!!!!!!

@flatbottomfrank said:
17 I got a public intox arrest once when I was on acid. I passed all their tests but they knew something wasn't right. Well I had more acid in my pockets, so being that I was cooperating and all they put the handcuffs on the front of my body. I took the acid out of my pocket and ate it while handcuffed. So I was high in jail, for over 24 hours, broke laws while handcuffed, and I started a fire in my cell by stuffing styrofoam cup over lightbulb. Other than that I think Im an alright guy.
, comment by HHCCCCAA
HHCCCCAA Can't tell if I'm a 10 or 11 due to my inability to remember if I committed some minor crime while handcuffed. I'm on the cusp of being a good person or one that is occasionally a douche bag.
, comment by MomentsandSeconds
MomentsandSeconds 5

Guess I'm your regular joe.
, comment by mikh2wg
mikh2wg 7
Never before have so many been so normal.
, comment by HARRYHOOD213
HARRYHOOD213 5
, comment by DollarBill
DollarBill 3 I am very lame...
, comment by sirhotpants
sirhotpants Great googily moogily, I got a nine.
, comment by LightsWentOut
LightsWentOut 7. Deal with it.
, comment by Phat_Tone
Phat_Tone My score, a proud 15! I'm a fairly normal fan of rock music, despite my modest delinquency, and intermittent douchebaggery. I am proud of myself!!!
, comment by Skiphan
Skiphan 2, and none of those are illegal points.
, comment by Fikus
Fikus 0. My Jiminy Cricket-ness is intact.
, comment by maddyb4me
maddyb4me I received a score of 10... but If I a came back in 15 minutes- I would have to respond to that last question again with a different answer...
, comment by kipmat
kipmat I scored a Character Zer0.

:adjusts usher uniform in mirror:
, comment by forbin1
forbin1 I got a 2..

::stamps nerd card::
, comment by aparisi
aparisi 7
, comment by DocEllis
DocEllis It was going to be 6 but I saw the last question and got the extra point because I wanted it. 7 baby!
, comment by spencur6
spencur6 3. Now I feel bad.
, comment by mikefreed
mikefreed 8
, comment by stimbuck
stimbuck 7
, comment by RyeRyeRocco
RyeRyeRocco 5
, comment by seth2112
seth2112 8
damn i wanted a b on the last q!!!
, comment by freerwilson
freerwilson 17

would have only scored 11 if not for the question about committing a crime while in handcuffs for another crime. It's a good thing E was "shot" instead of "shot at" or I would have scored a lot higher. How close does a bullet have to be for you to hear the sound as it whistles by?
, comment by Fitz2001
Fitz2001 "C. Yes, with a teacher and/or priest." Yikes.
, comment by missblue75
missblue75 somewhere between 6 and 8 ... some of these answers are open to interpretation.
, comment by jezmundb69
jezmundb69 Wow...i scored a 60...I look like phuckin swiss cheese yo
, comment by harroldHOOD
harroldHOOD 8 - I'm a good person. Glad I know now.
, comment by jerryguscia
jerryguscia @n00b100 said:
I scored a 2 and am now openly questioning what I've been doing with my life.
I feel ya...I got a 1...
, comment by TheEmu
TheEmu 7. It might be an 8, but there's no way for me to tell if I was blind or just passed out. I just realized suddenly I was halfway to Sioux City, IA.
, comment by splitopenandmelted
splitopenandmelted 11! RocknRoll, but just a little bit.
, comment by theUNITmonster
theUNITmonster im a 6.
, comment by hottunaphishes
hottunaphishes 6 or 7
, comment by RovingReporter
RovingReporter 7, however I know I am a delinquent. This test does not reflect my terribleness in life.
, comment by paddycabes
paddycabes 4
, comment by AngelMarie
AngelMarie 5
, comment by aa612000
aa612000 11........must be fooling myself thought for sure i would be a delinquent.......ready for the 30th anniversary year score could go up who knows
, comment by Martian_Monster
Martian_Monster I'm a 5...but looking to bumb that up as my wife is a teacher...if you catch my drift!
, comment by muchado
muchado 4 maybe 5
, comment by the_Crested_Hogchoker
the_Crested_Hogchoker @Vaudvillain said:
@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:
...went blind drunk driving, July 5th 2007, Myrtle Beach, SC. A guy came up to me in a Friendly's restaurant and said "son, I realize you're young and having fun, and that's a good thing, but I've got half my eight year old's class at that table over there and not only have I've heard more F~words in the last half hour than I've heard in my entire life, but its also the loudest profanity I've ever heard come out of a human being, do you think you could hold off until we get out of here?" I ended blacking out on the beach and waking up to the tide touching my toes.
I live in and am from Myrtle Beach. Sounds like you had an everyday experience in Dirty Myrtle. I have had similiar experiences my whole life here. Come back and visit!
I used to live in Charleston and we would go up to Myrtle in the offseason and get ocean front rooms for like $35. They're used to having rowdy ass rednecks in there all summer, so they let you just absolutely destroy the place. My roomate threw a dude through a huge plate-glass window one time and they didn't even kick us out of the hotel. We fucking set fire works off the balconey once... damn I miss having Myrtle around. It gets a bad rap some times, but I always have a blast down there.

This is probably my favorite place to eat:

http://www.chuckssteakhousemb.com/
, comment by HarryGumbo
HarryGumbo Scored 1
, comment by Potato_Sacks
Potato_Sacks @lizard said:
9
, comment by Harryistheman
Harryistheman 5
, comment by GrooveHolmes
GrooveHolmes Wow lots of low scores. This is a pretty tame and law abiding board.

17 here. Some mild delinquency in my youth.
, comment by docgonzo1972
docgonzo1972 7 - A low score and not a delinquent, though I did puke on a cop. He was not happy.
, comment by colphorbin
colphorbin 10. right on the edge of.... normal
, comment by Purple_Humpback_Whale
Purple_Humpback_Whale I got a rock.

jk scored an 8 at the tender age of 21
, comment by TheHeads
TheHeads 8, though if i had more access to bath salts, or my dealer wasn't such a bad shot with his .45, that score would be way higher.
, comment by TheHeads
TheHeads girlfriend just scored a 16 though. so proud.
, comment by Herbdacious
Herbdacious 21 nice, that's my age as well
, comment by krazygravy
krazygravy I got 0. It's funny just today a guy I was jamming with said I had to be pothead to be a phish fan. Not the first time I've heard that though lol.
, comment by SlamboMartinez
SlamboMartinez 10
, comment by Doctor_Ocelot
Doctor_Ocelot 14
, comment by lenuto46
lenuto46 10 on the nose... just dodged that one.
, comment by reggaewmn
reggaewmn I got a nine ... Sad
, comment by UncleEbenezer
UncleEbenezer 10
, comment by SilenceContagious
SilenceContagious 7 im a goody
, comment by caminlb
caminlb 6...well maybe 7.
, comment by crookedman76
crookedman76 15: earned most of those points 10+ yrs ago though. Had a fun childhood in a college town...
, comment by whojhouse
whojhouse 7 pts

Thank you for confirming that I am a good person!
, comment by Voraciously_Alternate
Voraciously_Alternate @lizard said:
9
got me a 9 as well
, comment by whatstheuse324
whatstheuse324 9. And I am about to drink a #9 right now. Meant to be.
, comment by JemaJema
JemaJema 7, sorry mom and dad
, comment by golgigirl09
golgigirl09 4!
, comment by beach
beach 10...I'm probably a good person!
, comment by FoamBlvd
FoamBlvd Got a 9 and I'm very proud to be a good person.
, comment by Fees_Nipple
Fees_Nipple Whoa 19
, comment by thelot
thelot 6

i caused some trouble freshman year in high school, long before i discovered the phish.
, comment by maericks21
maericks21 9 for me. 7 for the lady.
, comment by Bathtub_Ginny
Bathtub_Ginny 6, and I have never felt so average in my life
, comment by Ouish
Ouish I couldn't finish cause I got shot.
, comment by SaltyDog
SaltyDog 14...but as others have said, most of the delinquency happened at least 10 years ago. The main thing that put me over the top were a couple arrests which left me praying to some higher power to just get me out of this situation...well that and the few times I've run from the cops. Only one was in a car and I got caught. It's soooooo much easier to run from the cops on foot (aaaahhhh the hell I used to raise on Goosey Night).
, comment by LongislandPhan
LongislandPhan 7... average is a seven letter word
, comment by VWPhan
VWPhan 7
, comment by phbalanced
phbalanced 12 - and for all the wrong reasons....I'm sorry! I'm a productive member of society now though!
, comment by P_Phunk
P_Phunk 18 if you count being shot through the leg out side an um show in bridgeport, CT. With what I'm guessing was a pellet while smoking. Other than that mostly 2's. Been pretty delinquent but never got caught. Ha ha ha.
, comment by fhnsab
fhnsab 5
, comment by emiliaselihu
emiliaselihu 8...my phavorite number!!!
, comment by WordsFromASong
WordsFromASong 6, most of which was before Phish
, comment by lysergic
lysergic Fiver. I'm surprised I've never ran from the cops.
 
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