Original Transcription by Yance Davis, Harpua Files
TREY: Ok, I'm gonna tell you a little story here now and [applause] Yes... Yes... This is a very very important, very special story so I hope that everyone, including all the people, way back there on the lawn, are listening. This story has only happened once in the history of the civilization of this planet, really incredible.
Now, this whole story starts, as... Most of you probably know that we all live in Vermont here and that we live not so far from here, which by the way, I must say, is the greatest state in the union. For those of you who've travelled to this state and don't live in Vermont, you're totally missing out, and I really feel sorry for you. I mean that. What can I say... We just spent… We started this tour on April 5th. We've been three and a half months on the road, and there is NO place like Vermont. Period. No place.
So anyway so here we are in Vermont, and we live in a little place up there, sort of the Jericho/Westwood/Underhill area is where we were most of the time. We ski a lot at Sugarbush, when there's snow on the ground. We don't ski in the summer. Anyway, in Jericho, or Underhill, there's this guy who used to hang around the town. He's been around 11 years. You'd always see him walking around town. He's a strange old guy.
What happened was, he was sort of an outcast in the town and people used to chastise him and give him a hard time. What happened was, over the years, he really got sick of being chastised and given a hard time so he ended up moving up into the mountains, and he just happens to live right up over the hill over there. You can't see it anymore because it's dark, but if you look when it was light, there's a mountain that rises up right over there and that's where he lives. He brought his dog with him, and his dog of course, as some of you know, is the famous, the infamous, Harpua.
Anyway, this guy, he was kind of an older guy, and he lives up there in the mountains with his dog because he couldn't hang around the town anymore because everybody was always giving him a hard time. So, he moved up to the mountains. But, what happened was, once he moved up to the mountains, despite the fact that he loved living up there with nature and his little cabin, he was very angry at the people in the town who used to give him a hard time. So, as he lived up there, he transferred his anger to his dog Harpua, and, over time, the dog Harpua became a very evil dog. It was one of those dogs that, if you walk by or you're running, the dog was barking at you. He's pissed, the dog is gonna get you.
So, the way the story goes is, you know, this particular day, which happens to be today, I look up there, and I notice that the dog and the man were up there. The dog decides that he's going to go into town to cause trouble so he starts walking down into town. He's going to start looking for revenge for the people that chastised his owner. Now, he's walking down the hill, and halfway down the hill, he pauses and now I'm gonna switch to the other half of the story. . .
There's a kid that lives in our town where we grew up named Jimmy. Now, Jimmy also had a pet, but Jimmy is kinda from the other side of the fence. Jimmy is the sort-of suburban high school kid, and he's there and he's all happy. Everything is hunky-dory because everybody loves him. He's got this cat... [pauses] POSTER NUTBAG, y'know, haha.
What I'm trying to say is, the cat's name is Poster Nutbag. I'm gonna skip the whole thing going on to the Poster Nutbag bit, but here he is, Poster Nutbag. [Page plays “Call to the Post”] Now, Poster Nutbag... Poster Nutbag is not like Harpua. Poster Nutbag was raised by a happy, you know, no problems, so he's really together. Anyway, Poster Nutbag decides one day, "You know, I'm gonna walk up into the mountains and have a beautiful day there."
So, Poster Nutbag starts walking across the highway there and ends up in the mountains and ends up right here, where we are. Before you all came in here I saw him during soundcheck wandering up the place where you're all standing, up this little hill. He's wandering up there, and he starts to turn towards… I was wondering to myself, I'm thinking, "This cat is now wandering up into the area where the evil dog Harpua lives. That is not good!"
So up he goes, and they're wandering along. Suddenly, Poster Nutbag comes along a tree. He looks ahead and he sees the ugliest, meanest dog that he's ever seen in his life, and he's really scared because it's suburbia where he lives and he doesn't see ugly dogs like this. Now Harpua, as I've told you before, is a trained killer. So Harpua looks at Poster Nutbag, and he says, "HOT LUNCH. I'm gonna get this cat!"
Now looking at each other and, you know, Poster Nutbag's fur is starting to stand on end. They're looking at each other. There's gonna be this awful fight, but, suddenly, this wave of energy comes over them from some place other than there. They don't know WHAT is going on, and they look up in the sky. They see this Giant comet crashing into Jupiter... AND IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!
Right now there's a comet crashing into Jupiter, and Poster Nutbag and Harpua are at the top of the hill watching this. They don't know what's going on. [Music builds up until all at once Fishman begins the beat of “Also Sprach Zarathustra”] If you look up there right now, you can probably see it. It's a clear night…
Look! The storm’s gone...
PAGE: Yes, dad.
MIKE: Jimmy, i have some bad news…
PAGE: What is it, Dad?
MIKE: Jimmy, your cat got hit by a comet
ALL: You’re cat died! Poster is dead.
ALL: Poster is dead.
TREY: Hit by a comet
FISH: Hit by a comet!
ALL: Poster's SO dead
[Through the end of the song, “hit by a comet” continues to be sang, including when Trey introduces the Chairman of the Boards, “who will now play a solo like he was hit in the head by a comet”]
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